


Justo en el coño

by Anamorph



Category: Shrek (Movies), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: M/M, More tags to be added, Multi, There once was a man from Nantucket, also karmisaga maybe????, as he wiped of his chin, he said with a grin, if my but was a cunt i would fluck it, rare pare, stay dank, whose cock was so long he could suck it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 11:23:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16618031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anamorph/pseuds/Anamorph
Summary: Izuku had spent the majority of his childhood lusting after a quirk, but they’re not always what they’re cracked up to be (get it? Crack?)But when a strange (man?) comes to tear up his beach (giggity), he’ll learn a *hard* lesson





	1. Well you can tell

**Author's Note:**

> As a great man once said, “I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am.”
> 
> —John Cena, 1969

Izuku was just chillin. Wind in his hair, sun on his back. Befitting of the #1 surfer. 

When he was little, izuku wanted to be a surfer, but bakubro and friends kept harshin his mello and giving him a bucket of shit like every day. Not having a quirk certainly didn’t help, but in de end, wit da halp of his mentor, he had become da #1 surfer.

So Izuku has moved to the beach to chill wit da bros and smoke sum pot dude.

His freckles had spread from his face all the way down to his toned back, and he had gotten himself a sweet ass tan because fuk da police and fuk sunscreen. 

He was not just the #1 surfer, but the #1 hottest piece of ass as well, and was content to walk around in just his swim trunks, flip flops, and the stereotypical shitty shark tooth necklace. But this necklace was muy especial, porque it had been given to him by his surfer mentor, señor All Right, dude. 

Izuku got more pussy than a veterinarian smoking cat nip, or he would have if this wasn’t fan fiction, where every one is gayeeeeee.

Izuku was tearin it up on the waves per ush, when my edgy self insert OC, Midnightblast, lord of all depression, an edgy goth walked up on the beach in her black combat boots and black fishnet leggings which were hidden by her black and red velvet Victorian fashion punk rocker steampunk style dress. She definitely didn’t look out of place at all at thE FUKIN BEACH.

“Zuku!” She called, “I brought you a chillin ass popsicle.” Zuku was Izuku’s chill ass surfer name. He gave her a thumbs up while back flipping and doing a triple lutz, and then surfed over the edge of the beach and did a triple kick flip off his surfer board, landing in a perfect tree pose. That’s just how in touch with his inner chill he was. Cool, right? Well I guess chill would be more accurate. 

“Thanks bruh,” Zuku said, grabbing the pop and deep throating it. Like a boss. Did he have experience? Only the public restroom knows. 

“Thanks,” Zuku said, “How did you know I loved Tom Brady flavour?” “Bitch’s intuition,” Midnightblast, lord of all depression replied.

The wicked ass deejay up on the boardwalk, named Kirishima, but everyone just called him period hair, stopped blasting tunes for a hot sec and got everybody’s attention. 

“Sup my pimps and hoes? Just letting ya’ll bitches know (Period blood had an effeminate southern accent) we fiddin to have a surfin contest up in this here bitch (but sometimes slipped into ghetto slang like a boss, bitch). We ask contenders to join us next to life guard post 1A to tear up sum waves like I tore up bakubro’s ass last night.” 

A loud “shut the fuck up Shitty Hair” sounded from somewhere in the crowd, and Kirishima laughed his ass off while Izuku backflipped over to him. Kirishima put “Crawling in my skin” back on blast as Zuku began to talk to him.

“Sup PB? How’s the contest looking dude?” ya boi Zuku asked, “We got some good contenders dis time?” 

“Looks like it, check it dude,” Crimson tide replied. And look he did. There were several new peeps there, but as Zuku gazed apon the sea of fine bods, he caught a glimpse of one that stood out in particular.

Zuku made his way over to the surf competition, where Señor All Right, dude was declaring the rules for the surfing competition. Just for funzies, of course. 

“¡Caja se carajas! The rules of this contest are simple  
1\. You can do whatever you want on the water, but only for he allotted 4.20 pesos— I mean minutes  
2\. Bros before Hoes  
Bear this in mind while tearin it up just like shark week did to Bakuhoe last night-“ a loud “For the last time I’m not a skank ass hoe” sounded from the crowd “-and remember the most important rule, use protection kids!” 

With that Señor All Right pulled an airhorn out of... somewhere and blasted that shit to the tune of Dandrude Sandstorm. With that all the sea skanks were off, front paddlin their boards to high hell,,, or high tide actually.

Contender 1, better know as ya boi Cory from da house, started doing his wicked cool drum set while cruzin da tide. Contender second, Juan Cena, was eating a burrito from his sombrero while surfing backwards. Meanwhile, contender C, Billy La Bufanda, was lifting his surfboard and walking on the water like the god he is.

But it was the final contender that caught Zuku’s attention.

Contender last wasn’t doing much to stand out from the rest, simply squaring on his surf board like he was taking a huge shit, which made sense because he had a constipated expression on his face.

His skin was a stripper’s glow in the dark tampon green, and he had beautiful deep dark eyes. His nose was broad like his shoulders, and with out his shirt his sexy chest hair was visible, silver like my manatee themed dildo. 

He had a focused expression on his face, determined, and his lips, thin yet kissable, were pulled into a tight line in concentration. 

He had thick, luscious eyebrows, furrowed, and Zuku couldn’t take his eyes away from the salty streaks of sweat on his forehead, that glistened on his forehead like the glittery makeup of a Swedish prostitute. 

His thick green fingers were curled into tight balls, “Those aren’t the only balls I wouldn’t mind playing with, if you know what I mean” Zuku thought to himself. 

Just then, Zuku’s eyes caught side of his smooth, round stomach, and his eyes wandered down past his surfer bulge and to his well toned calf’s and not manicured and painted nails, but Zuku planed on taking care off that. 

Oh yeah, the Cheeto puffs mascot was also doing a back flip in a stripper thong but Zuku was too busy staring at the mysterious sweet ass to notice, and said booty was clad in tight spongebob themed swim shorts. 

Anyway, the mystery bro got last place, but just as he was taking the walk of pussy off the beach, Zuku caught up to him. 

“wAIT” he screeched, like a dipping dots sales penguin with erectile disfunction. 

The ogre turned around to look at him, and that’s when Zuku noticed his sexy ass ears.

“Man I’d like to stick those in my mouth,” Zuku thot, but instead he asked, “What’s yer name dude?”

The salty brócoli turned around and eyed Zuku. “Whot’s it tue yew?” The sexily mysterious dude replied in his Scottish accent.

“I....” Zuku trailed off, “-was just wondering if you had any Playboys I could borrow. You seem like the kind of stud with all of those.”

The stranger simply rolled his eyes and began walking away, but stopped short for a moment, seemingly considering something. 

“Shrek” he called back to Zuku over one of his strong shoulders, “don’t wear it out.”

As Zuku watched Shrek walk off into the sunset he couldn’t help but think, “Shit, I think I left my dildo plugged in at home.”

 

Than Zuku realised that was imposible because he lived under the dock where there was no electricity.

Sent from my IPhone


	2. By the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If only 2% is milk what’s the other 98%?”  
> —George Washington 1769

Zuku’s little hovel under the dock was a cozy place. He had taken a ladder and hammered steel to the bottom of the dock to act as a make shift roof, and the rocks under the dock kept the waves from recking his rainbow hammock with unicorn pillows. His Sauske body pillow kept him warm on the nights where it was stormy, and he lived a content life with his surf board, body pillow, magical chest, bong, and pet crab, Sandyclaws.

One time Zuku has come home with crabs and Sandy had been freaking the fuck out thinking she was gonna be replaced, but Zuku assured her there was nothing to worry about. 

He woke up at precisely 4:20 in the morning, and did his morning stretch before joggin up to the nearby clif overlooking the beach . He liked to watch the sunrise after tearing up the waves for a couple hours.

After all dat, he runs up the smoothie bar when they opened at 5:69 (6:19) on the dot. 

The barista, this curvy chick named Ochako, but whom everyone called Ococko, smiled at him, “What can I get you Zuku?”

“Hmmm,” Zuku considered for a moment, “Normally I go for dog feces flavour but today I think I’ll have sea men flavor.” “Cumming right up,” Ococko replied, like a boss.

She handed him his smoothie, in an icing bag, as she knew he preferred it. “Thanks dude,” he said, deepthroating the bag and squeezing it all out at once. 

“Impressive,” Ococko observes, “you didn’t even choke.” “I never choke,” Zuku replied. “That’s a good skill,” Ururcocka replied. “That’s not my only ASSet,” Izuku replied, with heavy emphasis on the ASS part. 

To prove his point, Izuku, quite literally pulled a boom box out of his ass and hit play.

An uplifting, gentle melody began to play. 

 

“MY ANACONDA DONT  
MY ANACONDA DONT  
MY ANACONDA DONT WANT NONE UNLESS U GOT BUNS HUN”

Immediately, Izuku did a backflip onto the counter and started twirking like there was no yesterday.

“BOI TOI NAMED TROY USED TO LIVE IN DETRIOT  
BIG DOPE DEALER MONEY HE WAS GETTIN SUM COIN”

Zuku did a split on the counter, and just then, who walked in but the mysterious ogre from yesterday, Shrek.

He looked at Zuku wit wide dark orbs through ebony lashes as  
“GUN IN MY PURSE BISH I *CAME* DRESSED TO KILL”  
blasted thru the speakers. I felt a hot blush overtake my face like all the main characters of those shitty Wattpad fanfics. 

Zuku and Shrek made uncomfortably long eye contact, Shrek’s shit brown eyes staring into Zuku’s Avada Kadavera green eyes.

Suddenly John Travolta came and shanked Zuku right in the teat, shouting “IM NOT GAY” and round offing away.

“O SHITE” Shrek exclaimed in his thick Scottish accent, “U okey kid?” 

Zuku couldn’t reply as everything faded to black just as it had that one time Kirishima dared him to smoke two blunts at once while shoving a chilli pepper up his ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yummie Yummie right in the Tummy


	3. I use my walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If tomatoe is a fruit, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?”  
> -Edgar Allen Poe, 1420

Zuku awoke, but not where he expected. Instead he was sprawled out on a massage table, with some rusty scalpels, some tissues, and a bottle of lotion on a table next to him.

Zuku was groggy for a moment before it all clicked into place. “HOLY SHIRTLESS MICHEL BAY’S LEFT TESTICLE, WHERE ARE MY FLIPPIN KIDNEYS!?” He exclaimed, sitting up, but just as he was about to go into Ninja mode he felt two strong, supportive hands on his shoulders.

“Calm down ye scrubby bastard,” a sexy, deep, melodic, Scottish accent rang out, “Yer kidneys are still inside yew.” (And I’d like something else inside me two, Zuku thought)

Zuku looked up into those calming shit brown orbs, and mused, “Where we be at, dude?”

Shrek sighed, “Weyll I was going to take yew tue the doctore but that bruenett said yew mighte have cockaine in yer system so I brought yew here instead, to mye house.”

Zuku blinked, and looked down at his chest to see it bandaged over. A hot blush overtook the tanned and freckled pores of the area above the neck yet front of the cerebrum, spreading like lighter fluid to his ears as his upper half was set a(420)blaze(it).

“Then you saw me shirtless,” Zuku questioned, embarrassed.

Shrek stood up and pulled out an AK47, Shooting Zuku 69 times in the thorax. Zuku blacked out harder than when he had shoved an entire watermelon up his ass while doing a line of coke with Billy la Bufanda’s Nauruto Henti collection.

Zuku awoke some unknown amount of time later in the same spot, even more bandaged up. He looked at the my little pony themed clock on the far wall and discovered it was 4:20. Wow, he had blacked out longer than that time Kirishima dared him to jump into the panda enclosure at the zoo and challenge the mother panda to a rap battle subsequently calling her a purple upside down watery tennis ball after shooting up with 69mL of ridilin, and although mama panda was able to play it cool for that part she had to rape Zuku into blacking out after he compared her to Amy “Suc”qhmer. 

“Sorrey,” Shrek said, blushing, “Thet wes such e stupid feking question I had to shewt sum sence back intew yer arse.”

“What’s a shirt?” Zuku replied.

Shrek offered to fly Zuku home on the back of whatever the name of that gay ass dragon from the never ending story is. Zuku politely excepted, and Shrek held the door open for him as he stepped into the 69 corvette on the back of the dragon.

They settled into an uncomfortable silence and Shrek put on the radio. A deep, emotional melody began playing and a gentle voice could be heard through the crackeling speakers, 

“HEY HOW U DOIN LIL MAMA LEMME WISPUH IN YO EAR  
TELL U SUMTIN DAT U MITE LIK 2 HEAR  
EU GOT A SEXXXXXY ASS BODY AND YO ASS LOOK SOFT, MIND IF I TOUCH IT, AND SEE IF ITS QUAFT?”

Zuku notes Shreks lips curl into a smile, and then he said “U lik dis song bruh?”

Shrek blushes, and looked away, “...yeah, It’s alweys teched me on e very personel level. As e wee child I was very elone. The other children at the orphenege hed turrets syndrome end wed yell at me “skinny tampon! Skinny tampon!” they’d yell, just because big Jonny showed everyone my Boku no piku fanfiction. This isolation resulted in me developing a bad case of bigorexia. But then, one day, after Big Johnny and his crew stole my banana tarp and rooteabaga rations, I was lying naked and beaten in the dirt when suddenly through my old transitory radio from like the 60s, my one worldly possession, the static suddenly turned into the soothing melody. Starved for human contact, hearing this voice so close soothed my lonely hard o—I mean, heart. The bootylicious compliment helped restore my self esteem. With new found confidence I stood up to big Johnny, who retaliated by taking out his big Johnny and bitch slapping me around. I cried my self to sleep that night while blasting MCR. After that my life quickly spun out of control. I turned to drugs, and was eventually thrown out of the orphanage after falling in a huge K-hole after doing two lines of ketamine off the toilet seat and smoking two keys of crack cocaine while blasting school house rocks “I’m Just a Bill” and cutting my self while baking toast in the bathtub while bingewatching the first 2 seasons of Barney the dinosaur bootleg version because we couldn’t afford the real version. Almost resorting to prostitution on the streets of Crodien and Stepknee—but that’s another story. Even so thet song hes remanned close to my heart to this diddily darn dey.”

Izuku looked over to Shrek with tears in his eyes. In that moment, Zuku was more mad than he’d ever been in his entire life. He was hard (giggity) to seriously anger, but in that moment he could have shoved his entire fist swiftly inside Big Johnny’s quivering rectum. 

“That’s sum heavy shit, bro.” Zuku cleverly and acutely observed. Nothing could escape his powers of observation nor hefty wit nor attention to detail. He was like Sherlock homes in carinate, but sexier, smarter, and with a bigger dong. His glowing baby puke green orbs were fixated on Shrek’s baby diarrhea brown ones which were also averted when suddenly a thot struck him. 

“Uh, Shrek-chan, when was the last time you looked at the road?” Alarmed, shreck turned back forward, only to realize they were not only flying but on the back of a pink dragon. Shrek was about to get all bitchy on Zukus ass when they collided with the Little Einstein’s red what ever the flip ship thing and Shrek blacked out.

The last thing he herd was Zuku shouting “harder daddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ate Indian today and it was as spicy going in as it was cumming out. 420 haze it


	4. I’m a woman’s man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoes get spanky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a great man once said  
> “If I weigh 99 pounds, and I eat a pound of [faniction], am I 1% [Cory in Ur mum]?”  
> -Mmm mmm mmm, Barak Husein Obama

69 minutes later, Shreck’s eyes slowly opened to behold some metal swatches on some sort of roof above his head (and I don’t mean the one on his neck). Shrek was still feeling groggy, and groaned with his thicc Scottish accent as he sat up, lifting one hand up to feel the bandages on his head, softer than an unused strippers tampon. “Wheyre in de neien cercles am I?” Shrek wondered aloud. 

“Ah, so you’re awake dude. [Insert exposition here]. So the giant pink dildo guy flew the corvette to the shop and the Little Einsteins are gonna help u pay the insurance,” Zuku sat down next to Shrek, stroking his smooth green head (not that one, get your mind out of the gutter smh).

“Gude thing I teek a basic economics. Ah, and thenks Fer takin care o me,” Shrek thanked Zuku. “No prob dude, i could say the same to you. I-“ Zuku looked away, blushing, “I have an extra surfboard if U wanna cum surf wit me out on da waves?”

Shrek smiled shyly, a warm blush enveloping his face all the way up to his weird ass horn things. “Sure.”

Shrek and Zuku ho out and surf sum waves. Then they make sweet sweet love. The end.

JK

They did surf tho and had a pretty ballin time. 

They surfed until they were all wet, which didn’t take long when Shrek stared at Zuku’s shirtless, toned, manly chest.

Zuku shows off his wicked cool backflip to Shrek. Shrek responded by smoking 5 blunts while flossing while surfing. Zuku’s eyes narrowed, “challenge accepted.”

Zuku responded by microwaving a lunchables while surfing on one finger while hoolahooping.

Shrek smirked, and pulled out his 21*6.9” boom box and started blasting Miley Siruse as he twirked and deep throated a blue popsicle met for two as he garrbley recited War and Peace while jump roping.

Zuku shoved a Christmas tree-like a whole ass Christmas tree-up his ass while pogosticking while doing a triple lutz while doing ur mum who’s simultaneously doing Carman Santiago while reciting the bee movie script from memory while eating a gushers. Like one gusher. Like a single gusher. Like a sad lonely gusher.

Shrek moved to respond when he tripped on the banana peel on his surf board a that shit smacked him right in the face, then put on boxer gloves and punched him twice in the balls then did a spot on Celen Dione impression. From everywhere and knowwhere a voice rang out, “How it feels to chew 5 gum”

Back in the shore, Zuku hit up Ukurcockas place so they could ice Shrek’s balls. The the acronym RICE says when you get an injury: Rest, Ice, Compress, and eat shit and die.

After using the Nauruto technique to brink Shrek back to life and cleanse him of his sins (by the great spaghetti lord, blessed be his name). 

Zuku walked Shevk back to his car, glancing down shyly ever so often. As Shrek got into his car, Zuku broke the silence with his nine millimeter [insert Glock or cock here, whichever one is funnier]. 

“If you’d like, there’s this little restaurant I know. We could go there in approximately 69 hours from now?”

Zuku was actively staring at the ground at the particular point in time this took place with this particular individual. 

His blush spread like wildfire all the way from his soft featured cheeks down to his throbing, rockhard ass tumor (or tumblr, am I right? Lol(cries))

Taking note of the boys embarrassment, a soft smile crossed over Shrek’s rough, manly features, caressing his lips like bill Cosby caressed the drinks of all those women with date rape drugs, “Thet soundes lelvley you parsley haired bastard.” 

And with that, Shrek drive away. 

Zuku stared after him as his car slowly made its way off into the sunset, “beautiful just like Shrek’s eyes” Zuku thot. 

And with that, Zuku went home content and excited for his dare to do 4.20 lines of Ketemine before crying himself to sleep in a K-hole almost as large as the pit of his painful existence full of suffering and Spanish homework.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is shorter than usual and a bit more fluffy, and that this story is the only hint that drags you out of bed in the morning and gets you through your painful existence, so since I know you guys can’t wait for the next chapter, I decided to give you a prieview if the next three: 
> 
> Picking clothes for Zuku when North Korea attacks
> 
> dinner maybe? Karma is their waiter? Maybe throw some Karmisaga in that shit?
> 
> This chapter will be entirely in horrible barely distinguishable Spanglish (possibly)


	5. No time to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a great individual once said   
> “It’s not gay if you wear socks”  
> -Lenardo Di Vinchi to Michale Angelo, 1969BC

Zuku has always prided himself on his sense of fashion. From his spongebob themed fedora to his thigh high pink crocks, he had quite the selection in the wardrobe he kept next to his hammock under the dock, but as he went about picking out his outfit, ripping clothing out of his collection price by piece, a hunger for something newer and better struck upon his soul most fiercely, and it was this that acted as the catalyst behind his 6 hr 90 min shopping spree.

Zuku had strutted up to Ococko chan and told her “wuzzup my diggity rigity dude? I’m fiddin 2 go on a trip most fine bro.” “Just make sure u only take 2 tablets this time. Don’t want you ODing again.” She responded.

Zuku felt a shiver overtake him at the recollection of him passed out in a bathtub as Barney brutally played the claranet over him. He took a deep breath. “Chilax bro,” he thot to himself, “Barney got put away for a long time after he was busted for smuggling all those teletubbies “bonus episodes” over the border. Oh and the cocaine too.” 

“Nah dude, I’m talkin bout a shoppin trip, like to the mall n stuff.” 

At that Ococko-Kuns eyes lit up.

Ururcocka san, a fashion QUEEN, demanded her presence accompany Zuku on his trip most shopping, to which Zuku responded “chill bro I just invited you.” 

And so, the two of them made their way to the large mall complex between spooner and cherry (pop in) street on their Dragon Tales moped. 

They sauntered from shop to shop awkwardly like baby cattle with osteoporosis who had accedentally grazed in a poppy field. 

“Boi.” Ururcocka kun grabed Zuku by the shoulder and wiz lik “we hath reached the Spencer’s”   
“Sweet” Zuku replied, backflipping past the cartoon merch and sex toys to the sexy cost play and weed themed apparel. 

‘Twas then Zuku spotted a crop top most fine  
With a rare red beauty (and a booty most fine)

“0mg Ococko chan luk it’s a Ugandan knuckles crop top. IT MUST BE MINE”

He snatched it from the shelf just like Keith snatched shiro’s wig in the 20somethig remake of Voltron, running up and slamming it on the desk like I slammed ur mom last night. 

“How much bitch?” He inquired promptly?

“Cunt u fukin Reid M8?” The clerk responded with a develish smirk. That’s when Zuku gazed into his deep, shit brown orbz.

“Sh-Shrek sempai~” he stuttered out as a Kawaii anime blush overtook his befreckled cheeks (and I mean all 4( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) “I didn’t know you worked a shitty minimum wage job at Spencer’s~ Desu~” 

“Only diring Lent.” Shrek replied simply, still smouldering like a younger and sexier George Orwell. He wrung Zuku up. 

“Thet’ll be 21.69$.” 

Zuku slapped exact change down on the counter just like how I slapped ur mums bootay last nite. 

“See eu temerrow” Shrek wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Not if I see u fist bro” Zuku said, hitting the bong real quick while dabbing and then Pulling Ururcocka out da store. 

“Omg senpai noticed me (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ~” Zuku recounted, “but dude wait I have my fedora and thigh high pink lace up crocks and Ugandan knuckles crop top but I can’t ruin my aesthetic by just wearing my swim trunks” 

“Hmmm” Ururcocka contemplates deeply the matter as the great philosophers once did, copping a feel for the idea fully, trying to firmly grasp a new concept.

Just then, Ocacko’s eyes lit up like Zuku lit up his bong last Carneval when he had dressed up like a slutty cowardly lion to go pogo sticking.

She tugged ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Zuku into the Victoria’s deep dark Secret and went instantly the counter. 

“How can I help u?” Ronald Reagan, the sexy manager of the lingerie *depart*ment inquired inquisitively through his long lashes. 

“Yes I wiz wondering if you had anything both dank and skanky for my bro here?” The brownette asked 

Ronald Mc Donald pursed his lips and checked Zuku up and down. He snapped his fingers thrice that real sassy way theater kids do and said, “Well screw me with a cactus and call me Tiffany, it seems that I have had an epiphany!” 

McDonald reaches behind ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) the desk and pulled out a Rainbow Dash themed thong with matching garters and thigh high stockings, handing it 2 the 2.

“uwu this is perfect m8, makes me wont 2 masterb8” The befreckled surfer resounded. Paying the 69 Oreo kookie price and YEETing out of the store. 

“Tanks for helping me pick out my outfit for tomorrow dude” Zuku tanked. “No prob hoe. Oh, speaking of tanks, did you hear North Korea attacked while we buying lingerie?@   
“No I didn’t” Zuku respondido

“Oh well they attached 6 count box of chicken McNuggets bc that shit iS GUCCI.” 

“O cool.”

So then Zuku and Ururcocka saw one of those overpriced mall kiosks where they sell macaroons (A/N holy shoot I actually spelled kiosks right and didn’t even need spell check wOw) and so Ururcocka got Shawn Conerry flavour and Zuku deepthroated a bleach flavored one. 

They had a dank time and Zuku went home and slept a lot the end


	6. Music Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoes gettin spanky:
> 
> they have a nice meal  
> they go clubbin  
> Double homicide?
> 
> Take a shot every time I use the descriptive “shit brown orbs”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so punctual I kno 
> 
>  
> 
> "If 2 vegans are arguing, is it still considered beef?"
> 
> -JFK, circa 1969

Shrek pulled up 2 da crib in a hot rolls Royce, and Ocacko kun was there to show Zuku off. After Shrek opened up the door for Xuku like a tRuE gEnTLeMaN (smh what has this cuntry cum to) Chako grabed him by the poke ballz and was all like “break his heart and I’ll cream pie in ur ass so hard u won’t be able 2 walk for weeks” 

“Let go me ballz” Shrek responded, gently bitch slapping Chako and yeeting in2 his sick classic car. Be4 he left he said 2 chacko “don’t worry, I won’t rip his heart, just his rectum” And wit that he speed off into the night faster than doc mcstuffinz after a night of hard partyin and hard drugs.

The sent of lavender pounded into Zuku’s nose as he entered the dimly lit restaurant. Red drapes with gold accents were *hung* everywhere- on the walls, between the booths, lots o places.

“Cum on” Shrek said in his deep baratone Scottish voice, “i reserved a nice booth fer us” and, enchanted by his Shit Brown Orbs, Zuku followed. "Even tho yew asked me on this date i took the libertey of checking out the place me-self before hand," Shrek began, "and I realized i kno the manager here. It's a gud thing yew texted me the name of the restaurant off screen." "Yah dude," Zuku retorted, blushing.

They slid into this red satin booth and this blue haired chick in a maid outfit begrudgingly maid her way over (see wot I did there?). "May I take ur order desu?" she asked, but then smiled as she lookd up and recognized zuku as 1 of her regulars, "OH hay Zuku kun." "Hey Nagisa," zuku flung back with a smile.

"Eyu kno this fine peice of booty switty swooty- i mean nice geurl," shreck inquired, eyebrows raised over his monocle as he blew out some bubbles from his old fassioned sherlock homes pipe. In fact, it appeared Shrek had worn his Sherlock costplay on the date. 

"Did u just assume my gender?" Nagisa asked, "I'll have u kno my peen is 69 cm long thank u. Also i boy des>". "Oh sheet, Much sorrey," Sheck respodndido. "It's all gucci fam dasu," Nageesa relented. Nagisa was also costplaying as a duck. He wuz a duck maid yum yum.

"What's with the duck get up ma dude?" Zuku inquired. "It's lent," Nagisa responeded. "O," Zuku Oed.

"Anywae, wot can i get u 2 eat fam?" Nagisa posed, "besides my huge D of course." "To drink I'd like sum vape juice please ma bro," Zuku began, "And I think we'll start with some mello pot brownies pls." "Cool, and u m8 desu," Nageesa looked to shrek. "Jest a sprite cranberry and sum foot lettuce," Shrek responded., "Oh alsew seshwan sauce too pls." "Cumming right up."

Nageesa strutted off and left Zuku and Shreck 2 make aqward small talk, but just then Shreks face *lit* up w/ recognition. "kArMa!!!1" he exclaimed frivolusly, "gud 2 see ya m8." This hot rednette slunk up 2 da table and wuz all like, "sup ma hoes. haven't seen u in a while Shrecky-reky." He eyes Zuku up and down, "well if it isn't a fine peice of ass. U look sharper than Gajeel's left nipple peirciing" Karkma compliments. "Why thankth you ma dude," Zuku replies, blushinng again. Just then Nagisa came (lol) back with theri drinks, "One vape juice w/ complementary vape-" "-much thank-" "-and we're out of sprite craberry so i jused pissed in this shot glass (desu)." Shreck avoided his drink. 

"The rest is cumming right up, just like a penguin in a flamingo orgy," Nageesa assure the party of dos. "I thot this was a mexican resturaunt," Xuku asked? "U thot wrong," shrek replied, "also its lent". "O," zuku Oed. 

"Hullo my smol bluberry," Karma said to nagisa, furiously wiggling his eyebrows. Nagisa rolled his eyes, "This is a Boku No hero academia fanfic, not boku no sexual harrasment desu." "Spray it don't say it," Karma replied, still wigling his einebrows but intensely gyrating as well. Nageesa rolled sum orbs, and began walkin away, "I'll go check on the othr tables desu," he siged and made his way over to where Aizawa was sitting with Present Mic across from Justin beiber and KAnye and theyre all playing strip poker. 

KArma called after him, "I hAtE iT wHeN U gO bUt i LuV sEEiNg u WaLk aWaY." After a happy sigh, he turned back to us, " Well our shift ends in an hour, so maybe we should all go clubbin after your date?" Shrek looked to Zuku/. "Tht sonds dope bro, totally man, sick 👌👌 💯💯😂😂😂." Zuku rEplied. Karma smiled, nodded, and left to go and, as he put it, "hit nageesa with that good sekaharu."

Suddenly romanic french music started playing like from the sound track of Cory in the House and Zuku gazed into Skreks shit brown orbs. Nageesa brought their food and sum complementary mountin dew b/c of the drink thing. He also took away the menus which were actually just word for word copys of mein komph and the communist manifesto respectively. After all, it was lent.

With that shrck hit the blunt and had a very romanic meal with Zuku, with Geesy boi checked (them out) in with them every once and a while. "Is that pipe GUUCI?" Zuku assked. "Whye yes it is," Shrek replied. Afetr much vaping and merry making 69 minutes had passed, and Skreck offered to pay the chack which wuz:

Vape Juice......... 69*3 yen  
seshwan sauce........... free bish  
Jar of piss (sprite cranberry....... 69*3 yen also  
Dank discount.................-420 yen  
Foot lettice................. 21.69  
Pot Brownies.................4.20 bucks  
Ur a little bitch tax........... 86 cents  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Total: 26.69$

"Karma got u a discount cuz ur famu desu~" Nagisa exclaimed after yeeting over w/ their check. "Just the tip desu," he added and shreck tipped him 4.20 $$$.

A naked justin beiber and present mike filed out next to aizawa carrying a blacked out kanye as Karma finished closing up the place and threw his lether jacket on> "So you three, " He began, "Shall we go clubbing?"

Just then jhon travolta came out(but knot relly) and lunged for Zuku's teat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit dat blunt man
> 
>  
> 
> lol guess clubbin will happn next time

**Author's Note:**

> hit em with a dab ma boiz


End file.
